Dress + Heels

Today, just as the past few days have been, has been a disgusting summer day. Humidity with no cool breeze is no party. Aside from living with the sensation of my sweat resting in places where sweat should never rest, I've started retreating into the shelter of my basement room to stay cool. I don't really use this blog that much since I have a Tumblr and it's so much easier to just reblog photos there and also I just use twitter in order to just let out feelings in small bursts rather than write out a blog entry. Anyways, the point is, it's summer and I'm trying to keep myself from becoming a hermit.

To date, things have been pretty simple. I go on a day-by-day kind of schedule and the only thing that I really have planned for my summer is that I'm sharing a week of vacation with my best friend and we've got a whole bunch of activities that we plan on doing that week. This list includes:
1. Small roadtrip to Ottawa (about 1.5 hours away) to wander the city but most importantly, eat at Red Lobster (We don't have any here).

2. Parc Safari, it's like a big drive through zoo where animals can come up to the car and you can pet them through the windows and also a water park.

3. Slumber party in my basement.

4. Ikea day, which starts off with breakfast at Ikea and finding her a bureau or something to put her clothes in and then help her put it together.

That's pretty much it, throw in a couple of days at the gym and hopefully a day in a pool/beach and I'd say that would be a pretty awesome vacation.

I'm also not looking forward to August. I feel like this entire month is almost closing in on that time frame because I know it's going to be the worst of my summer months. Boyfriend is leaving on his vacation at the beginning of August on a "booze cruise" which, although it may be fun to say outloud, does make my stomach twist a little. It doesn't make me feel good to think about it because right after when he comes back, he goes away again to football camp. So I basically don't get to see him right before I don't get to see him again and then the whole football season starts and I'm almost 90% positive that I will see him even less during that time. Anyways, I want to cut this whining to a minimum so I'll just say that at the end of this somewhat blurred road in front of me there lies a light at the end of that road which lights up the words "One Year". This would be my second longest relationship and with my fingers crossed it will move onto the longest and the last. That's kind of a strange thing to say now, but it's how I really hope things turn out. A couple of football seasons won't sway me away from someone who truly makes me happy.

/cheese.

Annnnnyways. I'm stuck at work for the next 2.5 hours. I just found out through an email that Brandon Boyd, the only Brandon I've ever loved, has just released a solo album today on iTunes. I started thinking about how much of his music and Incubus has followed me through the years and I've been with that band since I was 11 years old. It's been 11 years since I bought my first Incubus album and it's amazing how I've literally grown up on their music. I can literally pin point the time and place where I was when I bought each album since Make Yourself. I will definately see them live again, probably not here in Montreal but somewhere. I don't think anything can ever match the first time I saw them, in some stadium right on the edge of the Long Island shores. If there is a moment in my life where something was completely beautiful it was being able to watch that concert in that location.

Bah, my point is, I can't believe I'm stuck at work when I could be listening to the amazing sounds that somehow escape the mouth of Brandon Boyd. He is probably one of the sexiest people in the entire world. I mean come on, amazing voice, freaking amazing talent (I mean that both musically and artistically), hot body (...he's only gotten better with age), he's intellectual (just read his biography about his new album here) his writing style is almost obscene but at the same time down to earth, which makes him feel very real. I could probably boast about him for 3 or 4 more paragraphs but he's always stuck with me as the person I would love to spend an entire day talking to.

Ok, so, here's what I've covered today:
1. The worst thing about summer is the CHAFING.
2. I'm wearing a dress and heels at work (still standing)
3. I don't like football season but I'll get over it.
4. I love my boyfriend...a lot.
5. I've always had a thing for Brandon boyd.
6. Check out his new solo album...The Wild Trapeez. :)

P.S. Julia, I think I have a better person to imagine what "Pirate Pete" would look like haha.

Tattoo?

I'm seriously considering getting this tattooed on me soon. It would be my first tattoo and I think it's so pretty and there are some hidden letters that I've encorporated into the design.

First of all, I've always wanted a bird tattoo and sparrows are just so amazing and this design is so beautiful that I loved it instantly.

The letters that are hidden within it represent the people in my life that have the biggest impact on me, which are my mom ("C"), my brother, my sister (both "A"s), my mom's boyfriend (who I consider to be like a father to me) ("M"), and my best friend ("J").

It's also kind of perfect how these letters fit in quite effortlessly. I was thinking of getting it done just below my neck.

Let me know what you think!

It makes me happy...

When he says things like,

"We're going to dance like this when we're older."

What am I doing?

Today I was asked a question that had me stumped. I honestly didn't have an answer because that's how confused about myself I am.

"If you could do something for the rest of your life, what would it be? There must be something that you like to do in your spare time, something that you would enjoy doing as a job."

He knew what he liked, what he dreamt of doing and as he was driving and talking about all the really cool things he said he wished he could do, I searched my brain for something pertinent to say. I don't have any talents or and real aspirations, I live my life on such a day-to-day basis, I rarely think about the future and what I'm going to do with it. It shouldn't be a difficult question but it was. He asked me what I do with my spare time, what I am doing when I'm searching the internet. Honestly, all I do on the internet is continuously refresh my tumblr page to see what other people are posting, I'm listening to music, googling random things, looking for new music to listen to (mainly looking at my recommendations on last.fm), browsing through Amazon (also looking at their recommendations) and checking facebook/twitter/email. It's not like I do anything that important or actually useful. I like to write in my blog and I like to write in general but I lack imagination or the capacity to go beyond my own experiences, which makes me very limited.

I've been left to my thoughts on what I like to do. I like being around other people, I like listening to music by myself, I like watching movies, I like doing sudoku puzzles, I like cute pictures, I like to bake. I guess that could be something of a dream occupation or aspiration that will probably never happen. To own a bakery of some sort, I remember wanting to open a cute little shop like Maggie Gyllenhaal's character in Stranger Than Fiction. Yeah, actually that would be it. Or maybe like an awesome makeup artist, a makeup artist to the stars. Ha.

I need to start writing again. I was reminded last weekend about how I used to write and people used to like it. A friend from elementary school asked me if I still wrote and I was really surprised that he actually remembered that. He told me that I was really good at writing stories and that he wished he could come up with stories like I used to. Truthfully, I don't even remember the things I wrote about and I wish I still had that imagination that I used to have. I feel like all my creativity has been drained out of me. I haven't actually tried in a long time though but I remember never being able to finish anything. I'm not good at coming up with clever endings or meaningful endings or just how to end anything, mainly because things that I've written have always been loosely based on my own experiences. I used to even write poetry, or try to, but it was mostly angry poetry.

Is it wrong to lead my life on a day-to-day basis? If I just continue doing this, slowly builing my own path with each passing moment and hope that eventually things will work out? Is that possible? Is simply having the ambition to continue enough? I love a lot of things about my life right now and I hope that it will be enough to bring me to the right places and to drive me in the right direction.

Balance.

I seriously have issues.

I spent almost all of today staring at Statistics notes, writing notes and doing problems and the part of my day that I was most looking forward to, the part when I get to go home and relax, is the worst part of my day.

All I wanted to do since I got home was go out and do something, I wanted to go to the mall, I wanted to go watch a movie, go OUT.

This week has been particularly crappy since all I did was go to school and go to work. I didn't see any friends outside the situation of studying and I worked way more than I would have liked. I guess it doesn't help that my boyfriend has been indisposed because of a recent death in his group of friends. Which, btw, I tried to be supportive of, but as you can read from my previous post, I just ended up crying like a little girl. Anyways, he's been busy visiting friends, spending time with them and coping with the whole thing and then there was the funeral tonight and it continues until tomorrow afternoon.

I don't know, I guess I'm "chicking out". I've had such a horrible week, like I've barely seen any sunlight and I haven't had any chance to see my boyfriend, I'm starting to feel like a hermit. I got home today from studying and I did plan on going shopping or something but the weather was so disgusting and cold that I just wanted to go home. I don't really need to buy things, anyways. I just needed a time-filler because I knew that I was going to be alone tonight. It's days like today where I really wish I had a car again. I could have done something else, something productive or something. I'm so limited and caged by my house, especially when it's raining. Who wants to take the bus or walk around in the cold when it's raining?! Anyways, when summer comes around things will probably be easier.

I don't know how some people can just stay home by themselves all the time. I need the presence of others to make me feel normal. Otherwise, I fall into the dark hole, where I'm depressed and lonely and no one likes me. This rarely happens, I try to keep myself entertained with movies and music and the internet in general, but tonight nothing has really kept me comforted.

I think I just need a hug.

Tonight.

I experienced something today that I didn't know I was capable of.

My boyfriend recently found out that one of his good friends, whom he had lost contact with in the past few years, killed himself. It's a horrible story and it's something terrible that I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like. I've never really lost someone close to me, I mean the last funeral that I went to was my great-grandmothers and I didn't really know her. I remember crying during the mass part of the funeral and also when they were lowering the casket into the ground.

Anyways, those tears don't really count since I was only maybe 11 or something and the emotions were mainly forced upon me with my first encounter with death and the after-effects. I knew that I was supposed to be sad, so I was sad. It's been something I hope to avoid having to deal with for a long time, but I'm sure it's the same thing with anyone. Death is something that happens but something that never wants to be dealt with.

When I saw my boyfriend tonight for the first time since he told me what had happened, the moment I stepped into the car it was an entire wave of sadness rushed towards me. I felt it instantly. I've never experienced that before. I've always been an emotional person but I've never been connected to someone like that. I wanted to cry right there in the car, while we were driving to dinner. We didn't really say much, just like how was your day and that stuff but just felt the energy that he was emitting and there was so much sadness, it was overwhelming.

I don't know if I'm describing this right. It was almost as if I was displaying the emotions that he was trying to hide throughout the night. We went out for sushi with a couple of friends and after we were at my house watching a movie and just being close. He told me about his friend, how him and his friends are now able to be friends again but it's terrible that the reason why it's possible is because one of them has died. My lip started to tremble, my breathing became irregular and then the tears started to fall. I felt how deeply this whole thing has affected him and I just couldn't help but cry. I've never met this person, I didn't even ask what his name was, it didn't matter. I knew he cared for this person and that's all that it took. All my emotions fell to shit and all I could do was cry. I cried on and off for about 20 minutes.

Anyways, even thought I spent all of my previous entry explaining how I found the right way to fall in love, this whole thing just further pushed me in the direction that I am in the right place, with the right person. If he is capable of making me feel all the feelings that he wasn't able to actually show me, I must share something special with him.

I watched Elizabethtown tonight (and Almost Famous) and I have to just confess my absolute adoration for these two movies but especially Elizabethtown. I know it didn't get the greatest reviews when it came out, but honestly it's one of the best movies I've seen in a while. Orlando Bloom doesn't make the most believeable American but he grows on you and so does Kirsten Dunst. Just the story and the music and the character development, it was just so perfect. There is one scene towards the end of the movie when Drew is driving on his road trip and there is like this music montage of him driving, talking to his dad's urn and him crying, this scene makes me cry every single time in the exact same place. I don't know what it is about this particular scene that gets to me or why I find it so touching, it just does. Cameron Crowe is an amazing director. I'm also listening to the soundtrack to Elizabethtown and it isn't the happiest soundtrack but it's just so perfect. Perfect for how I'm feeling right now, which is a little sadness but an overall happiness because things are only going to get better. I feel like things are finally falling into the right place and I'm with someone that makes me feel beautiful, smart, special, important and needed.

Anways, sorry for another lovey, cheese-tastic entry. I'm starting to fall asleep so I'm ending it here. Goodnight.

Can't sleep, thinking too much.

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything and to be honest it's because I've been kind of embarassed about certain things that have happened in the past few months but tonight I have that warm feeling again in the pit of my stomach and I feel like I just want to type some things out.

I can't prevent people from reading my blog and I think that's a major reason as to why I haven't posted anything. So just understand that I'm writing this because I want to, I don't care what happens once it's read, I just want to express how I'm feeling right now and the best way that I know how to express myself is through writing.

Words cannot explain how much my life has changed in the past few months. I've started going back to school, I work way less hours in order for me to place more concentration on my school and yet, still be able to make some money. I've also found myself to be madly, head over heels for someone here.I've known him for a long time, but I hadn't considered him as a match for me until recently.

I've always carried this fear with me, with whomever I've ever been with that I'm incapable of truely loving that person. I can say the words and it might mean something right there in that moment of it being said, but feelings change and people change and for reasons that I feel are uncontrolable, love drifts away. I have experienced in the past, love one moment and then the next nothing at all. Since I'm the type of person that can't just sit on those kinds of feelings without doing something, I usually end up just ending things. It is as if I know deep down inside myself that there is a reason I feel this way. That whatever it was that caused me to feel those feelings of love towards that person was real and it did happen but now it's over and there is also a reason for that. This fear of never actually having a person that I can truely love has been with me since my first boyfriend who within the first week of dating (this is in high school) told me that he loved me. Out of fear of breaking his heart I responded with "I love you too". At that moment, I had no idea what love was or what it should feel like but I said it anyways. I know that I am the type of person who just wants everybody to be happy. If me telling someone that I love them back will make them happy then I will do it, which is a horrible thing to do because I was being dishonest with myself. I've learned from this and only recently have I discovered the right way to fall in love.

This is what happens when I think too much, I start writing and all this gushy, lovey-dovey stuff comes spilling out of my finger-tips. Oh well, I'd rather this than anything else.