Settle for less.

I guess I've just been thinking a lot lately, about myself and my relationship with the people around me and to be honest, I've been feeling increasingly lonely these days. Which is, like I've mentioned before, not something that I would want to bring up normally, but I have a point.

Because of the way I've been feeling, it made me think of a book I read, maybe a year ago or so. It was called "The Average American Male" by...I forget who. I picked it up because after reading the first chapters while in the bookstore, I thought it would be a fun, easy read because the content was sarcastic and kind of sexual, a very blunt and honest view of how the mind of an average male functions. After reading that book, I was left with a horrible feeling. Basically, the main character, leaves his girlfriend, who desperately tries to hold on to him, even to the point of faking a pregnancy in order to make him stay. But the reason he wants to leave his girlfriend, other than the fact that he was completely bored with her and had no longer felt any passion for her, but because he had met someone new, someone who brought excitement into his life again. After going through all the trouble of leaving his girlfriend, he finally gets to be with the girl that he wants to be with. Yet, after being with her for some time, he ends up bored again. There isn't any more passion or excitement like there was at the beginning of their relationship. But, instead of leaving her, he, in the end, decides to "settle" and just ask her to marry him. Pretty much, saying that the average male will, in the end, just settle for what he's got. I'm sure it works the same way with females.

I'm sorry if you had any intention on reading this novel, but I do have a point to make. This is one of my biggest fears. It scares me to eventually end up with someone and then feel like I just have to settle for them. That I may be unhappy with that person, but for the benefit of myself and for the other person, why not just settle for each other and call it a day. I know it's kind of early for me to be even be worrying about that kind of thing, but it has crossed my mind. Is it idealistic or unrealistic of me to hope to one day be with someone that I'll always have a passion for? I know I used to see myself as someone that would definately get married one day and have like two kids and a house and whatever, but I don't know if that's still the kind of life that I want for myself anymore. I know I'm still young and I have all this time to decide on what I want to do with myself and I'm sure there are lots of people that I'm going to meet, but right now as it stands, I don't know what I'm going to be doing in 5 years, let alone one year from now. If I'm unhappy about something, that means that something's not right, all I know is that I'm not going to settle for anything less than my own happiness. If that makes sense.

This was a really random post, like I said, about how I'm feeling right now. Maybe I'll change my mind about what I want for myself. So basically, I don't want to end up settling for someone just because it's convenient and I don't know if I'm still hoping to get married one day. I think I'd rather just let things happen rather than plan out my life. There's no fun in that anyways.

Ugh.

I have to tell someone I don't love them anymore. I have to do it, but I can't find the words or the strength to do so. I know you'll tell me to just do it already, but it's complicated. I'm trying to try to say it without actually saying it, but I don't think it's working.

I don't love you, and we'll probably never get back together.

Now, why can't I just say that out loud...in front of him.

I Obsess? So What?!

Does posting pictures of my movie collection make me vain? I had this urge to post these pictures because today I had to add that plastic white basket at the top of my bookcase/DVD holding thing because I bought a movie yesterday and the bookcase was already at its full capacity! ANYWAYS. Basically, I'm incredibly happy with my collection at this point. There are some movies that are missing because I've lent them out to people who haven't given them back yet :( . I mean there are some movies in there that I not so proud of...I'm sure you can find some in there.

But for the most part, I'm very pleased with my purchases. I think my friends think I have some kind of disorder because every week I come home with at least one new movie, sometimes even 5-6 movies at once. I can't help myself. It's come to a point where I NEED the movie that I'm looking for. I've very much set on building an epic collection filled with all the movies I love. This weekend I was supposed to go on a "quest" to find obscure shops downtown where I could find used/new DVD's, CD's and vinyls but the bad weather discouraged me and I've put it off until next weekend. I know that I'm going to find something amazing in at least one of these stores.
Anyways, if there was something that I obsess about more than anything, it would be movies.



BTW. All of them in alphabetical order. booya. I was thinking of changing it to by genre...but I'm not sure yet.

Three movies I watched this weekend:
1. The Warriors (fantastically awesome)
2. The Evil Dead (I still need to get/see Evil Dead 2. omg.)
3. Hard Candy (cringetastic and oh-so-good. I'll watch it again with you.)


So basically. Come over, let's watch a movie. :D

Rare Moments in Happiness.

Last night I went to sleep and I felt depressed, I don't know if I was just feeling lonely or just sad about something, but I remember just feeling completely helpless about myself and not knowing what to do to make myself feel better.

Although tonight, I feel a lot better. I don't care if I'm going to bed alone, or that I didn't tell someone that I love them today, I'm just feeling generally better about myself. I'm thinking the majority of those happy feelings are due to what I've been involved with recently on Youtube. I've already talked about this so much today that I don't really feel the need to expand further in my blog.

My point being, that it's strange how something can change how I'm feeling. Like, I wanted to write about how sad I was last night, but I felt that no one really wants to read about my depressed thoughts. Everyone gets lonely, everyone gets the feeling that they are missing something in their life. I guess it's more rare that I get so excited about something, so I figured those are the moments that I need to write down, so that I can look back, read it and remember why I was happy and hopefully that would be enough to make me happy again.

That Quiet Girl.

Recently, I've been told a lot that I'm too shy and quiet at work. That I need to open up and relax with the people I work with. I've even been pulled into a meeting with my manager, just to check if everything was alright with me because he wasn't so sure. He told me that I need to just open up, that there are more opportunities if I do. This whole time I thought I was doing alright, but I guess I've been giving off the wrong impression to others. (So much that my manager thought that I didn't like my job, and wanted to move me from my department!)

Sometimes I think that my shyness and introverted personality is just so unattractive and unlikeable, no, I don't think, I KNOW. I know this and yet I can't help but be that way. I want to be able to put myself out there, be open and just be myself but I find it so difficult. I guess I just find it easier to just smile and laugh.

So, I've been trying really hard to just talk more and be more expressive with my coworkers and with just more people in general. I think one of my biggest problems is that I'm always over thinking situations and in part, I end up worrying about what others think of me. So here's to being myself and expressing myself and just letting go of whatever is holding me back and trying to not give a shit about what others think! If you don't like it, fuck you! There. That's a start.

Playlist Memories. (Cookie Party 2008)

Strawberry Fields Forever - The Beatles
With a Little Help from My Friends - The Beatles
Do You Really Want to Hurt Me - Culture Club
Love Stinks - J. Geils Band
Jockin' Jay Z - Jay Z
L.A. Woman - The Doors
Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash
Hit The Road, Jack - Ray Charles
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
Build Me Up Buttercup - The Temptations
I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
More Than Words - Eric Clapton (not that bullshit acapella crap)
Mrs. Officer - Lil' Wayne

This is my playlist of songs that will FOREVER be associated with the Boston gathering. (For me anyways)
I love that when I listen to these songs, I can remember exactly what I was doing and what other people were doing when I heard them in Boston. I guess I'm just weird like that.