Monday, August 25, 2008

Post Angry Blog

So yesterday, I blogged. I was mad. I really was. I still am, but not so much to that degree. Yesterday my boss called me at home and told me he wanted to talk to me, so I drove down there and went to talk. We sat outside the store in this coffee shop thing that is in the middle of the mall. He then told me that he likes me as an employee and this is really difficult because he wants me to work with him for a long time and he doesn't want me to not work there anymore. Basically, my sales were really low in comparison to the other girls and he wasn't happy. I don't know what was wrong with me but I completely fell apart. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. I was sitting in the middle of the mall where everyone was walking (not to mention there were maybe three times as many people in the mall because there was some kind of back to school event going on and Dora the Explorer and Diego were there walking around the mall.) I felt like such a kid, and so stupid because its very much something a woman would start doing. So stereotypical, I hate it. But I think that is the way that I am, when a person (more likely if it was a man) who is a superior to me starts to call me out on something and is clearly upset about it, I start to cry. Something inside me breaks down and the tears follow.

Anyways, so he told me that he wasn't firing me, I think he was more or less using me to show the other girls that look, even Kristalyn can get her hours cut for not making enough sales. And apparently that worked because the sales were relatively high that weekend. But it also could've been the fact that everyone that weekend started their back-to-school shopping and there being a Staples in the mall probably helps, since they can go buy school supplies then right after go look for clothes or whatever else they might need. So, I'm still working there, he told me pretty much that I have another chance, but he wants to see the "old" Kristalyn, the one that was always smiling and happy and good at sales. I even explained to him that, you know, not everything was perfect in my life right now, stuff at home and with a boyfriend that is non-existant right in this moment. He sympathized with me a little, but I knew it wasn't really an excuse. I don't want it to be an excuse. I want to be at work so that I don't have to worry about money stuff and boy stuff and family stuff, the money stuff wouldn't be an issue anymore if my job was stable.

As it stands, it is stable, but I feel hurt by what he did to me. Even if it was my fault, he should've just told me to my face, this is the problem, fix it. I don't know if I can fix it. That's why I'm still going to look for another job and if something good comes along, then I'm gonna take it. I already got a phone call this morning from a company that saw my resume on, so I must be something worthwhile then.

BTW I had the lowest sales today at work. It was really quiet in the mall, and when there were people I was really trying. Maybe sales aren't really cut out for me.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

It's been a rough week...

As if my week hadn't started off on a bad note, you know, breaking up with my boyfriend and everything, no, things are just spiraling out of my control and all that's left is me holding nothing. If I can be visual about it, picture me, standing in the middle of a busy intersection, in one hand I'm holding my empty heart and in the other an empty wallet.

In a nutshell, I went into work today, thinking I'm supposed to be working, but no, my name is no longer on the schedule. The boss' daughter was there and looks at me and tells me:

"You're not on the schedule today, but ________ (boss' name) is going to call you tomorrow because he wants to talk to you."

Well I better fucking hope that he actually calls me and tell me what the FUCK is going on because I'm not taking shit from anyone anymore. I left, not looking back, I think that I won't be working there anymore. I deserve better than that, I've proved that I'm a good, hard-working person, I mean he gave me assistant manager after three days of working there.
In my head, the only possible explanation would be that my sales have been low recently. I work the morning shifts, and they all know that the sales have been low in general, it's just that time of year. Whatever. It started on Thursday, when his wife calls to tell me that I'm not working on Friday and that _______ will be making the schedule. So..., thinking ok, well they want the people that make the most sales to work, fine. I was pissed, yes, but I thought that you know, I have some kind of job security. Clearly that backfired and here I am. If you were looking at me you would be looking at the face of unemployment. Even though it's not official, that's pretty much what's left of me.

I've thought about it, even if isn't firing me, if he just wants to let the people that can still work now the hours before they go to school, I really couldn't give a shit. I need the hours just as much as the next person, maybe even more. So, if that is the case, he can take this assistant manager position and shove it. At this point, I don't give a FUCK anymore. You might have done this to other people that have worked there, but you are not going to fuck me over and think I'm gonna take it.

So basically, I'm alone and I'm jobless. A LOT has changed since last week. Maybe it's for the better. I guess I'll find out. Wish me luck in this new and strange world.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Starting Fresh.

The past few days have been really tough for me. Not only problems in my personal life, but now I realize that I'm probably better off finding a new job. My hours have been cut and that pisses me off.


I have two days off...again. This time I promised myself to go out and be productive. So instead of sitting around at home waiting for things to happen, I made plans with a friend and decided that from now on I will always try to be busy on my days off.

Today's Agenda:

Sushi date with friend. Lunch.
Hang around Chapters book store, try to find a book.
Go to a thrift store, try to find some cool stuff.
Meet up with Francesca and hopefully go bowling tonight or tomorrow night.

That SHOULD keep me busy today. Hopefully.

Plus, I'm feeling good about myself in general today, so here's a picture.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Reprecussions of the Internet.

I think Facebook ruined my life.

Changing my status from "In a Relationship" to nothing resulted in a wave of messages demanding to know what happened.

I knew I wanted to change the whole status thing but I thought that maybe hiding the story from my feed would prevent people from seeing that it changed. Clearly it didn't work because I asked someone to check for me and there it was.

Kristalyn and Patrick have ended their relationship.

For some reason this was a defining moment for me and I knew there was no going back.
I knew that the second that he saw that he would probably freak out, and I was right because the next morning I checked my Facebook and found a very angry personal message from him.

I ignored it and I've decided to not respond to any messages from him unless they are reasonable. It clearly worked because later in the day he sent me another one and in this one he was apologizing for being a jerk. Which always happens. I think the best thing for me now is to just not speak or chat or see him for a good few days or even a week.

As for other people that are friends with me on Facebook...

Now I'm getting messages from people that I haven't really spoken to in a while, one of which didn't even really ask about the break up but asked how I was and that we should hang out again cuz he misses me. I didn't think that, you know, as soon as I became somewhat "available" would people be rushing at me asking to all of a sudden hang out again. People always tend to amaze me.

Of course there are the people that are just truly concerned about me so I guess the internet isn't completely full of fail.

It's weird being single again, even though it's only been two days. It's refreshing to feel not attached to anyone and its something I've been longing for some quite some time, which is sad to admit. Saying it out loud also feels really foreign to me.

For once in my life I'm REALLY single. Since my first boyfriend which was when I was in grade 8, I dated that guy for almost a year then maybe a month or so after I started going out with some other guy for a week, we ended it and then like maybe another month later started dating Patrick. That's right, I've been dating him since I was about 14 or 15 and I'm 20 now. We split up about 2 years later and right after I started dating another guy for a month, he broke up with me and then that's when I was single for the longest time to date. After about 7-8 months we got back together until two days ago.

This time I want to take advantage of being single. This time, I'm not in high school, I'm older and I'm not forced to see the person that I broke up with everyday because of school. I have freedom to drive around where I want, I have my best friend and her boyfriend supporting me and I have my own independence to take care of myself for once in my life. I'm so sick of thinking that I need to rely on other people for help or to make me feel better about myself or just making everything seem so easy. I want to be challenged by life and I want to meet new people and make my 20's something to look back at and not regret anything. I know that if I hadn't made this change in my life, I would look back at this time and think that I was an idiot.

So, here's to starting fresh!

p.s. I promise to stop blogging about this subject. I've been off work for two days and I haven't had much to do. :)

Monday, August 18, 2008

what is this?

single?'s been awhile.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

End of an Era?

I haven't written in a while, I guess something must be wrong with me, haha.

This all hasn't clearly set itself in my mind yet. But I'm pretty sure what happened was that we got into an arguement about me being on my computer, which then somehow resulted in him saying that "he couldn't do this anymore". At this point, I was pissed because he was acting like a drama queen, so I didn't respond. That seems to be the way that I react to most things nowadays. I really just don't have the patience to deal with stupid things. He was the one who brought up the idea of not being together anymore and throwing away all that we had been through out the window, then he gets mad at me for not caring? What am I supposed to say to that? I'm sorry I'm the way that I am, and please don't leave me?

Let me start over.
I have just gotten back from THE best weekend in Toronto that I have ever had. The gathering was alright, but hanging out with new friends and taking home memories of all that had happened and then having to leave those friends and be away from them even though we were only together for a VERY short period of time, and come home and try to go back to everyday life if just really too hard. That was the longest sentence ever.
Basically, I've been down about going home and going separate ways. To be honest, I am the kind of person that just gets caught up in a feeling and tries to hold onto it for as long as possible. Which is a problem, I realize that, I'm trying to work on it.

So, in a nutshell, a very long and drawn out discussion between the two of us lead to me finally saying that I need to be away from him right now. That I want time to just be by myself and figure out what I want. Not only did I suggest this for me, I've known for some time now that I need time to be independent. I love him, so much, but I don't know anything outside me and him. I look at others and end up thinking, wow, I'm jealous. Which, I know, probably there are people that wish they had what I had. Well, I can't help but feel that way. I've been in the same pool for a long time. I've dated three other guys while I was in high school. It's been a long time since high school. I've had opportunities that have tempted me SO much, so much to the point I wish I hadn't just told them. That's not exactly the best feeling to be going over in your mind while staring at your boyfriend. "I could've cheated on you but I didn't, why aren't you happier with me?" Common sense prevented me from saying that out loud during our conversation.

So now, what's left of me is sitting at home, trying to figure out what to do, what to think, what to feel. I love this boy so much, it really hurts me to have asked for this, but at the same time, I need time for myself to just be free.

Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I cant change.