I guess I've just been thinking a lot lately, about myself and my relationship with the people around me and to be honest, I've been feeling increasingly lonely these days. Which is, like I've mentioned before, not something that I would want to bring up normally, but I have a point.
Because of the way I've been feeling, it made me think of a book I read, maybe a year ago or so. It was called "The Average American Male" by...I forget who. I picked it up because after reading the first chapters while in the bookstore, I thought it would be a fun, easy read because the content was sarcastic and kind of sexual, a very blunt and honest view of how the mind of an average male functions. After reading that book, I was left with a horrible feeling. Basically, the main character, leaves his girlfriend, who desperately tries to hold on to him, even to the point of faking a pregnancy in order to make him stay. But the reason he wants to leave his girlfriend, other than the fact that he was completely bored with her and had no longer felt any passion for her, but because he had met someone new, someone who brought excitement into his life again. After going through all the trouble of leaving his girlfriend, he finally gets to be with the girl that he wants to be with. Yet, after being with her for some time, he ends up bored again. There isn't any more passion or excitement like there was at the beginning of their relationship. But, instead of leaving her, he, in the end, decides to "settle" and just ask her to marry him. Pretty much, saying that the average male will, in the end, just settle for what he's got. I'm sure it works the same way with females.
I'm sorry if you had any intention on reading this novel, but I do have a point to make. This is one of my biggest fears. It scares me to eventually end up with someone and then feel like I just have to settle for them. That I may be unhappy with that person, but for the benefit of myself and for the other person, why not just settle for each other and call it a day. I know it's kind of early for me to be even be worrying about that kind of thing, but it has crossed my mind. Is it idealistic or unrealistic of me to hope to one day be with someone that I'll always have a passion for? I know I used to see myself as someone that would definately get married one day and have like two kids and a house and whatever, but I don't know if that's still the kind of life that I want for myself anymore. I know I'm still young and I have all this time to decide on what I want to do with myself and I'm sure there are lots of people that I'm going to meet, but right now as it stands, I don't know what I'm going to be doing in 5 years, let alone one year from now. If I'm unhappy about something, that means that something's not right, all I know is that I'm not going to settle for anything less than my own happiness. If that makes sense.
This was a really random post, like I said, about how I'm feeling right now. Maybe I'll change my mind about what I want for myself. So basically, I don't want to end up settling for someone just because it's convenient and I don't know if I'm still hoping to get married one day. I think I'd rather just let things happen rather than plan out my life. There's no fun in that anyways.