Me. Playing with my new Camera.

I got a new digital camera last week, nothing special, just a Sony Cyberhot. I've been wanting my own camera for so long, every time I would have to ask my sister to borrow hers and she's not always nice when it comes to lending me her camera. Otherwise, when it came to making a video, I would have to use my webcam and, let's face it, the quality on recording with a webcam sucks. So to finally have my own, it feels nice. I'm hoping that now that I have a camera I'll be more excited and willing to make videos, but I guess I'll just worry about coming up with ideas, rather than worrying about how I'm gonna record it. Also allows for more spur of the moment recordings. ANYWAYS. Here are some photos I've taken so far...



It was snowing last Wednesday after I had sushi for dinner. The camera has a "snow" setting so I thought I'd try it out. I thought it looked pretty sweet.


My caesar salad at Wendy's. Yummy, right? ha. It sucked.




I had mint chocolate m&m's (Christmas themed of course) and I found one that was deformed. :) I didn't eat it cuz I thought it was special.



The best dark chocolate fondue I've ever had. This was the dessert at my work Christmas party. SO GOOD.



Pouty face. That's for you. You're welcome.

I know this was just a filler until I have something meaningful to write down. All I've been doing lately is working, watching movies and messing around on the internet. How boring. I actually wish it would start snowing here (like...a lot, not just some flakes here and there and then it's gone in the morning). I want to make a video in the snow and take pictures. That's all. Goodnight.

Settle for less.

I guess I've just been thinking a lot lately, about myself and my relationship with the people around me and to be honest, I've been feeling increasingly lonely these days. Which is, like I've mentioned before, not something that I would want to bring up normally, but I have a point.

Because of the way I've been feeling, it made me think of a book I read, maybe a year ago or so. It was called "The Average American Male" by...I forget who. I picked it up because after reading the first chapters while in the bookstore, I thought it would be a fun, easy read because the content was sarcastic and kind of sexual, a very blunt and honest view of how the mind of an average male functions. After reading that book, I was left with a horrible feeling. Basically, the main character, leaves his girlfriend, who desperately tries to hold on to him, even to the point of faking a pregnancy in order to make him stay. But the reason he wants to leave his girlfriend, other than the fact that he was completely bored with her and had no longer felt any passion for her, but because he had met someone new, someone who brought excitement into his life again. After going through all the trouble of leaving his girlfriend, he finally gets to be with the girl that he wants to be with. Yet, after being with her for some time, he ends up bored again. There isn't any more passion or excitement like there was at the beginning of their relationship. But, instead of leaving her, he, in the end, decides to "settle" and just ask her to marry him. Pretty much, saying that the average male will, in the end, just settle for what he's got. I'm sure it works the same way with females.

I'm sorry if you had any intention on reading this novel, but I do have a point to make. This is one of my biggest fears. It scares me to eventually end up with someone and then feel like I just have to settle for them. That I may be unhappy with that person, but for the benefit of myself and for the other person, why not just settle for each other and call it a day. I know it's kind of early for me to be even be worrying about that kind of thing, but it has crossed my mind. Is it idealistic or unrealistic of me to hope to one day be with someone that I'll always have a passion for? I know I used to see myself as someone that would definately get married one day and have like two kids and a house and whatever, but I don't know if that's still the kind of life that I want for myself anymore. I know I'm still young and I have all this time to decide on what I want to do with myself and I'm sure there are lots of people that I'm going to meet, but right now as it stands, I don't know what I'm going to be doing in 5 years, let alone one year from now. If I'm unhappy about something, that means that something's not right, all I know is that I'm not going to settle for anything less than my own happiness. If that makes sense.

This was a really random post, like I said, about how I'm feeling right now. Maybe I'll change my mind about what I want for myself. So basically, I don't want to end up settling for someone just because it's convenient and I don't know if I'm still hoping to get married one day. I think I'd rather just let things happen rather than plan out my life. There's no fun in that anyways.

Ugh.

I have to tell someone I don't love them anymore. I have to do it, but I can't find the words or the strength to do so. I know you'll tell me to just do it already, but it's complicated. I'm trying to try to say it without actually saying it, but I don't think it's working.

I don't love you, and we'll probably never get back together.

Now, why can't I just say that out loud...in front of him.

I Obsess? So What?!

Does posting pictures of my movie collection make me vain? I had this urge to post these pictures because today I had to add that plastic white basket at the top of my bookcase/DVD holding thing because I bought a movie yesterday and the bookcase was already at its full capacity! ANYWAYS. Basically, I'm incredibly happy with my collection at this point. There are some movies that are missing because I've lent them out to people who haven't given them back yet :( . I mean there are some movies in there that I not so proud of...I'm sure you can find some in there.

But for the most part, I'm very pleased with my purchases. I think my friends think I have some kind of disorder because every week I come home with at least one new movie, sometimes even 5-6 movies at once. I can't help myself. It's come to a point where I NEED the movie that I'm looking for. I've very much set on building an epic collection filled with all the movies I love. This weekend I was supposed to go on a "quest" to find obscure shops downtown where I could find used/new DVD's, CD's and vinyls but the bad weather discouraged me and I've put it off until next weekend. I know that I'm going to find something amazing in at least one of these stores.
Anyways, if there was something that I obsess about more than anything, it would be movies.



BTW. All of them in alphabetical order. booya. I was thinking of changing it to by genre...but I'm not sure yet.

Three movies I watched this weekend:
1. The Warriors (fantastically awesome)
2. The Evil Dead (I still need to get/see Evil Dead 2. omg.)
3. Hard Candy (cringetastic and oh-so-good. I'll watch it again with you.)


So basically. Come over, let's watch a movie. :D

Rare Moments in Happiness.

Last night I went to sleep and I felt depressed, I don't know if I was just feeling lonely or just sad about something, but I remember just feeling completely helpless about myself and not knowing what to do to make myself feel better.

Although tonight, I feel a lot better. I don't care if I'm going to bed alone, or that I didn't tell someone that I love them today, I'm just feeling generally better about myself. I'm thinking the majority of those happy feelings are due to what I've been involved with recently on Youtube. I've already talked about this so much today that I don't really feel the need to expand further in my blog.

My point being, that it's strange how something can change how I'm feeling. Like, I wanted to write about how sad I was last night, but I felt that no one really wants to read about my depressed thoughts. Everyone gets lonely, everyone gets the feeling that they are missing something in their life. I guess it's more rare that I get so excited about something, so I figured those are the moments that I need to write down, so that I can look back, read it and remember why I was happy and hopefully that would be enough to make me happy again.

That Quiet Girl.

Recently, I've been told a lot that I'm too shy and quiet at work. That I need to open up and relax with the people I work with. I've even been pulled into a meeting with my manager, just to check if everything was alright with me because he wasn't so sure. He told me that I need to just open up, that there are more opportunities if I do. This whole time I thought I was doing alright, but I guess I've been giving off the wrong impression to others. (So much that my manager thought that I didn't like my job, and wanted to move me from my department!)

Sometimes I think that my shyness and introverted personality is just so unattractive and unlikeable, no, I don't think, I KNOW. I know this and yet I can't help but be that way. I want to be able to put myself out there, be open and just be myself but I find it so difficult. I guess I just find it easier to just smile and laugh.

So, I've been trying really hard to just talk more and be more expressive with my coworkers and with just more people in general. I think one of my biggest problems is that I'm always over thinking situations and in part, I end up worrying about what others think of me. So here's to being myself and expressing myself and just letting go of whatever is holding me back and trying to not give a shit about what others think! If you don't like it, fuck you! There. That's a start.

Playlist Memories. (Cookie Party 2008)

Strawberry Fields Forever - The Beatles
With a Little Help from My Friends - The Beatles
Do You Really Want to Hurt Me - Culture Club
Love Stinks - J. Geils Band
Jockin' Jay Z - Jay Z
L.A. Woman - The Doors
Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash
Hit The Road, Jack - Ray Charles
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
Build Me Up Buttercup - The Temptations
I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
More Than Words - Eric Clapton (not that bullshit acapella crap)
Mrs. Officer - Lil' Wayne

This is my playlist of songs that will FOREVER be associated with the Boston gathering. (For me anyways)
I love that when I listen to these songs, I can remember exactly what I was doing and what other people were doing when I heard them in Boston. I guess I'm just weird like that.

Veronica Sawyer > Sarah Palin

After going around today trying to think of what I could do for Halloween, I now have two options:
It's come down to Sarah Palin and Veronica Sawyer from the movie, Heathers.
I really loved that movie, I can probably watch it and not get tired of it, time after time. I loved the use of colors throughout the movie and, its an 80's movie soo the fashion is just incredible. I figure I already have a blue skirt I could wear, and I have blue tights, all I'd need would be some kind of top and a sweater with shoulder-pads...and possibly a monocle, haha. Although, I don't know where I would find a monocle. I guess it would be cooler if I had someone to go as JD, wear a long trench coat and carry a huge fucking gun, hahaha. But I dunno if many people would get the reference. It would probably be for my own humor, but whatever. There are just so many things I love about that movie!

Anyways, I saw the perfect jacket today if I wanted to go out as Sarah Palin, too bad it was 60$ (not at a thrift store...obviously). I didn't even find anything inspirational while I was out. It sucked, I went to three places, but I did find something, but it's completely unrelated to a costume.

Actually, I've looked through my wardrobe and I think I'm gonna stick with Veronica. I have a whole outfit figured out. I just need to think of accessories/props, maybe something like a cup of blue drain fluid or a cherry slush. So basically, everyone go and watch Heathers. NOW. <3

Snow, costumes and more Boston talk.

Yesterday was the official first snowfall here. Even though I secretly found it beautiful, I was angry because I kept thinking, "Why couldn't this wait until after this weekend??". The thought of having to drive long distance in the snow scares me, especially since I don't have my winter tires on my car yet. But, I'm sure that the snow won't stay on the ground, it's going to melt and I've checked the weather for here and for Boston and it's supposed to be sunny all weekend. *crosses fingers*

So, since yesterday I've been desperately trying to find a good costume that I could wear for Halloween. I spent at least 2 hours searching up ideas for costumes that I could create using stuff around the house, or something I could find in a thrift store. So far, my best idea yet is to dress up like Sarah Palin. I mean, I have the hair for it, and the rest of the ensemble would just be the glasses and some stupid looking blazer and skirt. I figured if I really am going to dress up like her, then I'd have to at least try to get her accent down, which is hard, because I really suck at doing accents. Anyways, I figured that I'll spend this afternoon before work checking out thrift stores and the salvation army, I'm sure I'll find inspiration there.

This is so silly, but I'm so incredibly excited that I'm going to Boston this weekend. It's all I want to think about. I know the drive is going to be hell, I mean, 6 hours is crazy. I seriously don't know how I managed last time. Probably since it was so last minute, I didn't have a chance to get hyped up about it. Especially since I don't have any form of mp3 player/Ipod, I have to switch radio stations every time I get out of range. Anyways, basically, for the past two days and for the next three days this is what's going on in my brain "OMFG, IS IT SATURDAY YET?? AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"...it's getting really hard to contain myself. soo I know I keep talking about Boston, only because it's seriously the only thing I'm thinking about right now. :D

Boston?

Sooo, I've pretty much decided that I want to go to Boston this weekend to hang out with Chris Eff and Billi, because, who would pass on an opportunity like that?! I'm going to take a huge chance because they've decided to do a pub crawl aaaand I've yet to reach the (American) legal drinking age of 21, so the chance being that I might not be able to get into a pub with them. Haha, all this information has been important to me because I've spent all this weekend trying to decide whether or not I should go and like I said, it's pretty much decided.


It's been a strange time for me lately, I'm more buddy-buddy with my ex-boyfriend now, and it's actually refreshing to be around him and see that he isn't sad that we're hanging out and not really together, because I used to get that vibe from him before. I guess it's what I wanted, to be friends, and until recently he's been to weird to be around, so I guess that's good. One of the things holding me back from hanging out with him more is the fear that I might be leading him on and also him seeing us hang out more as a sign of possible reconciliation, which isn't a possibility, not in the near future anyways. Wow. What a bitchy thing to say...but it's true.

I've also been hanging out with my friend Jess more, she's a girl I met through my old job and she's awesome because she's a gamer and I like to consider myself a former gamer, since...I used to play WoW... and I still play video games like Call of Duty 4 and Team Fortress 2 and Counter Strike...(my dorkiness just increased by 20 points, I know) but Jess is HOT and I sometimes feel intimidated when I hang with her, just cuz she's THAT good looking, haha. Anyways, it's also weird because she's friends with some people that I went to high school with, but like the ones I never hung out with in high school because those guys were doing pot, and they still are. Also, whenever I hang out with her, I'm usually the ONLY person that doesn't smoke and it's funny because I carry a lighter, (out of habit because during the summer I used to watch a lot of soccer games and I had a candle that repelled mosquitos and I needed a lighter to light the candle) and what happens is that I'm usually the only person with a lighter and everyone is confused as to why I have one. The conversation sounds like this:
"Do you smoke?"
-No
"Oh. You smoke weed, then?"
-No.
"Oh....Then why do you have a lighter?!!?"

And this happens with every person that I lend my lighter to.

Anyways, that was more useless ramblings, I just felt like posting something since it's been awhile and apparently people actually read this blog and so now I feel obliged to update for the sake of you people having something to read. <3 youu all.

p.s. here's my new video IF you haven't watched it already and IF you want to watch it again.

I lack actual updates. So here.

The rules are:
Choose a singer/band/group.
Answer using ONLY titles of songs by that singer/band/group.


Band I chose: Incubus (I've liked them since I was in grade 6 so, 10 years)

1 Are you male or female?
"Southern Girl"

2 Describe yourself.
"A Certain Shade Of Green"

3 What do people feel when they're around you?
"Stellar"

4 How would you describe your previous relationship?
"Quicksand"

5 Describe your current relationship.
"Admiration"

6 Where would you want to be now?
"Mexico"

7 How do you feel about love?
"Love Hurts"

8 What's your life like?
"Made For TV Movie"

9 What would you ask for if you had only one wish?
"Wish You Were Here"

10 Say something wise.
"You Will Be a Hot Dancer"

Partyyy

This is part of my outfit for the party tonight, minus the sunglasses, I just don't have my eye make up done yet. It's gonna be amazing. Pictures to come. Promise.

p.s. yes, that's a wig.

Thursday.

I've been posting a lot. Sorry. :P

Today was an alright day. I got some things done that I've been meaning to do for some time and that makes me quite happy.

First I had work, it sucked but that's nothing new.
Then I got my hair cut. I like it. It's what I wanted, although the hairdresser could've maybe tried to make my fringe look a little bit even, I still had to cut some of it myself in the places she missed and where it was uneven. I like that my haircuts are usually inspired by someone else, it just makes it easier to tell the hairdresser what I want. Last time, I got this Katie Holmes like haircut that was really short, this time, obviously it was Zooey Deschanel. I already blogged about that.




Then I went over to the mall and picked up a bunch of movies that I've been looking at for more than a week now. Well, Run, Fatboy, Run, just came out, and I haven't seen it yet, but I know I'm going to like it, so I bought it. The Secretary is just...so...deranged and sexual, I don't know why I never picked it up before. The other two are asian horror films, A Tale of Two Sisters is the movie I watched with Chris when I went to go see him, I had to buy it because I need to see it again, just so I can better understand the story. I got confused when he started talking about a cloning plot then changed his mind. I think I more or less got it, but it was a good movie anyways, worth buying and keeping forever. The Maid is a movie I found on Amazon, its about a Filipina housekeeper living in Singapore. I HAD to get this, even though I've never seen it, just because it's about a Filipina woman, and my mom is Filipina. Not only does this movie have a connection to my heritage, but its a horror movie AND the main character is structured upon one of the biggest stereotypes on Filipina women. Anyways, it should be a good late night movie.

When it comes to movies, I'm pretty obsessed. I have a book where I keep track of all the movies I own and also I have a list of all the movies that I want to purchase/watch. The list is pretty long right now. But I can only spend so much on entertainment every week.

Anyways. today's been a good day. And it's only gonna get better. Office Season 5. 9PM. :D

Uhm...sex?

I think I should stop being so open about my sexual experiences with guys. All of a sudden it's as if I turn into some kind of challenge. Just because I may lack somethings, doesn't mean you get an invitation to change it.

I don't know where I'm going with this. It's just, I had this really interesting conversation with a guy friend and we were being very open about ourselves and asking a bunch of questions. It was fun, but it ended up feeling as though he thought he could solve all my problems, or something like that. I dunno, I wasn't trying to be a tease, I'm just not really stuck up about answering questions like that, I don't really hold back, if you ask me something, I'll answer it. That is, if I'm comfortable enough with the person that is asking it.

I guess, I just don't know if I shouldn't be so open about that stuff anymore, I don't want to hurt the other person or myself. Maybe I am a tease. Ugh. Sex frustrates me.

Help!

Ok, So i'm going to what is literally a sexy party this coming Saturday and I'm totally freaking out. I was invited to this crazy event by my lovely bff, Francesca, who was invited by her sister. Now, the deal with this party, is that it is a peep show, and you have to dress up to get in.

Here's a link to the party's website:
http://www.cirquedeboudoir.com/next.html

So, I've gotten over the fact that I'm actually going to do this, my problem is now finding the right outfit/costume. Some possibilities for me right now are very 50's and 60's inspired. I'm very leaning towards some kind of 60's sex kitten look. A la Brigitte Bardot, Jane Fonda, Raquel Welch, Nancy Sinatra, Jean Shrimptom, Ann-Margaret...etc.



Brigitte Bardot. She's so sexy. I don't think I can pull this off....



What I AM looking forward to is playing out with my makeup for the evening. I finally have an excuse to just overdo myself and be as crazy as I want with my makeup.

There will probably be a video about this from me and Fran coming, if not, then there will definately be pictures.

Anyways. I'm taking suggestions. I have no idea what I'm doing!

Inspiration...

I got my October issue of Nylon...



I got really excited because Zooey Deschanel is on the cover and I loooves her.

Then I saw her pictures and I pretty much decided that I will definitely go back to having a full fringe/bangs.



SO FREAKING CUTE!!!!!! I want it.

Holla what?

I just felt like posting these pictures because they are oh-so-amazing.

The results in Maddox's blogtv gangsta contest hehe

Kiwi!

Billi!

Panda!

Miss Maddox herself

Of course, me.

We did robot faces also, but you can check kiwi's blog for that!
It was hella fun. I just thought that I should lighten up the mood of my blog with these pictures!! :D

Also, over the weekend I uploaded two videos:



aaand



They're both pretty random, that's what happens when I have too much free time and also that the camera was available to me. :D

Post Angry Blog

So yesterday, I blogged. I was mad. I really was. I still am, but not so much to that degree. Yesterday my boss called me at home and told me he wanted to talk to me, so I drove down there and went to talk. We sat outside the store in this coffee shop thing that is in the middle of the mall. He then told me that he likes me as an employee and this is really difficult because he wants me to work with him for a long time and he doesn't want me to not work there anymore. Basically, my sales were really low in comparison to the other girls and he wasn't happy. I don't know what was wrong with me but I completely fell apart. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. I was sitting in the middle of the mall where everyone was walking (not to mention there were maybe three times as many people in the mall because there was some kind of back to school event going on and Dora the Explorer and Diego were there walking around the mall.) I felt like such a kid, and so stupid because its very much something a woman would start doing. So stereotypical, I hate it. But I think that is the way that I am, when a person (more likely if it was a man) who is a superior to me starts to call me out on something and is clearly upset about it, I start to cry. Something inside me breaks down and the tears follow.

Anyways, so he told me that he wasn't firing me, I think he was more or less using me to show the other girls that look, even Kristalyn can get her hours cut for not making enough sales. And apparently that worked because the sales were relatively high that weekend. But it also could've been the fact that everyone that weekend started their back-to-school shopping and there being a Staples in the mall probably helps, since they can go buy school supplies then right after go look for clothes or whatever else they might need. So, I'm still working there, he told me pretty much that I have another chance, but he wants to see the "old" Kristalyn, the one that was always smiling and happy and good at sales. I even explained to him that, you know, not everything was perfect in my life right now, stuff at home and with a boyfriend that is non-existant right in this moment. He sympathized with me a little, but I knew it wasn't really an excuse. I don't want it to be an excuse. I want to be at work so that I don't have to worry about money stuff and boy stuff and family stuff, the money stuff wouldn't be an issue anymore if my job was stable.

As it stands, it is stable, but I feel hurt by what he did to me. Even if it was my fault, he should've just told me to my face, this is the problem, fix it. I don't know if I can fix it. That's why I'm still going to look for another job and if something good comes along, then I'm gonna take it. I already got a phone call this morning from a company that saw my resume on Monster.ca, so I must be something worthwhile then.

BTW I had the lowest sales today at work. It was really quiet in the mall, and when there were people I was really trying. Maybe sales aren't really cut out for me.

It's been a rough week...

As if my week hadn't started off on a bad note, you know, breaking up with my boyfriend and everything, no, things are just spiraling out of my control and all that's left is me holding nothing. If I can be visual about it, picture me, standing in the middle of a busy intersection, in one hand I'm holding my empty heart and in the other an empty wallet.

In a nutshell, I went into work today, thinking I'm supposed to be working, but no, my name is no longer on the schedule. The boss' daughter was there and looks at me and tells me:

"You're not on the schedule today, but ________ (boss' name) is going to call you tomorrow because he wants to talk to you."

Well I better fucking hope that he actually calls me and tell me what the FUCK is going on because I'm not taking shit from anyone anymore. I left, not looking back, I think that I won't be working there anymore. I deserve better than that, I've proved that I'm a good, hard-working person, I mean he gave me assistant manager after three days of working there.
In my head, the only possible explanation would be that my sales have been low recently. I work the morning shifts, and they all know that the sales have been low in general, it's just that time of year. Whatever. It started on Thursday, when his wife calls to tell me that I'm not working on Friday and that _______ will be making the schedule. So..., thinking ok, well they want the people that make the most sales to work, fine. I was pissed, yes, but I thought that you know, I have some kind of job security. Clearly that backfired and here I am. If you were looking at me you would be looking at the face of unemployment. Even though it's not official, that's pretty much what's left of me.

I've thought about it, even if isn't firing me, if he just wants to let the people that can still work now the hours before they go to school, I really couldn't give a shit. I need the hours just as much as the next person, maybe even more. So, if that is the case, he can take this assistant manager position and shove it. At this point, I don't give a FUCK anymore. You might have done this to other people that have worked there, but you are not going to fuck me over and think I'm gonna take it.

So basically, I'm alone and I'm jobless. A LOT has changed since last week. Maybe it's for the better. I guess I'll find out. Wish me luck in this new and strange world.

Starting Fresh.

The past few days have been really tough for me. Not only problems in my personal life, but now I realize that I'm probably better off finding a new job. My hours have been cut and that pisses me off.

ANYWAYS.

I have two days off...again. This time I promised myself to go out and be productive. So instead of sitting around at home waiting for things to happen, I made plans with a friend and decided that from now on I will always try to be busy on my days off.

Today's Agenda:

Sushi date with friend. Lunch.
Hang around Chapters book store, try to find a book.
Go to a thrift store, try to find some cool stuff.
Meet up with Francesca and hopefully go bowling tonight or tomorrow night.

That SHOULD keep me busy today. Hopefully.

Plus, I'm feeling good about myself in general today, so here's a picture.

Reprecussions of the Internet.

I think Facebook ruined my life.

Changing my status from "In a Relationship" to nothing resulted in a wave of messages demanding to know what happened.

I knew I wanted to change the whole status thing but I thought that maybe hiding the story from my feed would prevent people from seeing that it changed. Clearly it didn't work because I asked someone to check for me and there it was.

Kristalyn and Patrick have ended their relationship.

For some reason this was a defining moment for me and I knew there was no going back.
I knew that the second that he saw that he would probably freak out, and I was right because the next morning I checked my Facebook and found a very angry personal message from him.

I ignored it and I've decided to not respond to any messages from him unless they are reasonable. It clearly worked because later in the day he sent me another one and in this one he was apologizing for being a jerk. Which always happens. I think the best thing for me now is to just not speak or chat or see him for a good few days or even a week.

As for other people that are friends with me on Facebook...

Now I'm getting messages from people that I haven't really spoken to in a while, one of which didn't even really ask about the break up but asked how I was and that we should hang out again cuz he misses me. I didn't think that, you know, as soon as I became somewhat "available" would people be rushing at me asking to all of a sudden hang out again. People always tend to amaze me.

Of course there are the people that are just truly concerned about me so I guess the internet isn't completely full of fail.

It's weird being single again, even though it's only been two days. It's refreshing to feel not attached to anyone and its something I've been longing for some quite some time, which is sad to admit. Saying it out loud also feels really foreign to me.

For once in my life I'm REALLY single. Since my first boyfriend which was when I was in grade 8, I dated that guy for almost a year then maybe a month or so after I started going out with some other guy for a week, we ended it and then like maybe another month later started dating Patrick. That's right, I've been dating him since I was about 14 or 15 and I'm 20 now. We split up about 2 years later and right after I started dating another guy for a month, he broke up with me and then that's when I was single for the longest time to date. After about 7-8 months we got back together until two days ago.

This time I want to take advantage of being single. This time, I'm not in high school, I'm older and I'm not forced to see the person that I broke up with everyday because of school. I have freedom to drive around where I want, I have my best friend and her boyfriend supporting me and I have my own independence to take care of myself for once in my life. I'm so sick of thinking that I need to rely on other people for help or to make me feel better about myself or just making everything seem so easy. I want to be challenged by life and I want to meet new people and make my 20's something to look back at and not regret anything. I know that if I hadn't made this change in my life, I would look back at this time and think that I was an idiot.

So, here's to starting fresh!

p.s. I promise to stop blogging about this subject. I've been off work for two days and I haven't had much to do. :)

what is this?

single? well...it's been awhile.

End of an Era?

I haven't written in a while, I guess something must be wrong with me, haha.

This all hasn't clearly set itself in my mind yet. But I'm pretty sure what happened was that we got into an arguement about me being on my computer, which then somehow resulted in him saying that "he couldn't do this anymore". At this point, I was pissed because he was acting like a drama queen, so I didn't respond. That seems to be the way that I react to most things nowadays. I really just don't have the patience to deal with stupid things. He was the one who brought up the idea of not being together anymore and throwing away all that we had been through out the window, then he gets mad at me for not caring? What am I supposed to say to that? I'm sorry I'm the way that I am, and please don't leave me?

Let me start over.
I have just gotten back from THE best weekend in Toronto that I have ever had. The gathering was alright, but hanging out with new friends and taking home memories of all that had happened and then having to leave those friends and be away from them even though we were only together for a VERY short period of time, and come home and try to go back to everyday life if just really too hard. That was the longest sentence ever.
Basically, I've been down about going home and going separate ways. To be honest, I am the kind of person that just gets caught up in a feeling and tries to hold onto it for as long as possible. Which is a problem, I realize that, I'm trying to work on it.

So, in a nutshell, a very long and drawn out discussion between the two of us lead to me finally saying that I need to be away from him right now. That I want time to just be by myself and figure out what I want. Not only did I suggest this for me, I've known for some time now that I need time to be independent. I love him, so much, but I don't know anything outside me and him. I look at others and end up thinking, wow, I'm jealous. Which, I know, probably there are people that wish they had what I had. Well, I can't help but feel that way. I've been in the same pool for a long time. I've dated three other guys while I was in high school. It's been a long time since high school. I've had opportunities that have tempted me SO much, so much to the point I wish I hadn't just told them. That's not exactly the best feeling to be going over in your mind while staring at your boyfriend. "I could've cheated on you but I didn't, why aren't you happier with me?" Common sense prevented me from saying that out loud during our conversation.

So now, what's left of me is sitting at home, trying to figure out what to do, what to think, what to feel. I love this boy so much, it really hurts me to have asked for this, but at the same time, I need time for myself to just be free.

Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I cant change.

A litter more about me.

I never thought that being unemployed and not in school would result in complete and utter boredom. When I pictured myself being free from school AND work I thought that I would be enjoying each day and that I would be...more productive.
Yet, all I've done pretty much, is move my clothes from the room upstairs to what is now my room in the basement, while still leaving a mess in my old room. Ok..let's see what I've accomplished;
I learned how to make Chicken Parmesan...in my first week.
I baked a few times, mostly shortbread cookies, cake and cupcakes.
I got a fancy new haircut.
I applied for some jobs on Monster.ca
I went to two hockey games. (We won both! Booyah.)
I saw the Spice Girls in concert.
I started playing World of Warcraft and now...sadly I'm quite addicted. (It's not really an accomplishment. As my boyfriend's mother says, "I've joined the dark side.")
I made a video on Youtube after several months, and plan on making more.
I watched a lot of movies. Like...A LOT.
I fell in love with the movie, Stranger than Fiction. At the same time, acquired a girl-crush on Maggie Gyllenhaal.
I started playing on Expert on Guitar Hero III.

I guess that's a pretty good list. I'm not quite sure what's so good about it because most of it is just useless activities that just waste time, but I have time to waste, so why not. I'll probably never have time like this to do nothing ever again.