Saturday, April 17, 2010

What am I doing?

Today I was asked a question that had me stumped. I honestly didn't have an answer because that's how confused about myself I am.

"If you could do something for the rest of your life, what would it be? There must be something that you like to do in your spare time, something that you would enjoy doing as a job."

He knew what he liked, what he dreamt of doing and as he was driving and talking about all the really cool things he said he wished he could do, I searched my brain for something pertinent to say. I don't have any talents or and real aspirations, I live my life on such a day-to-day basis, I rarely think about the future and what I'm going to do with it. It shouldn't be a difficult question but it was. He asked me what I do with my spare time, what I am doing when I'm searching the internet. Honestly, all I do on the internet is continuously refresh my tumblr page to see what other people are posting, I'm listening to music, googling random things, looking for new music to listen to (mainly looking at my recommendations on, browsing through Amazon (also looking at their recommendations) and checking facebook/twitter/email. It's not like I do anything that important or actually useful. I like to write in my blog and I like to write in general but I lack imagination or the capacity to go beyond my own experiences, which makes me very limited.

I've been left to my thoughts on what I like to do. I like being around other people, I like listening to music by myself, I like watching movies, I like doing sudoku puzzles, I like cute pictures, I like to bake. I guess that could be something of a dream occupation or aspiration that will probably never happen. To own a bakery of some sort, I remember wanting to open a cute little shop like Maggie Gyllenhaal's character in Stranger Than Fiction. Yeah, actually that would be it. Or maybe like an awesome makeup artist, a makeup artist to the stars. Ha.

I need to start writing again. I was reminded last weekend about how I used to write and people used to like it. A friend from elementary school asked me if I still wrote and I was really surprised that he actually remembered that. He told me that I was really good at writing stories and that he wished he could come up with stories like I used to. Truthfully, I don't even remember the things I wrote about and I wish I still had that imagination that I used to have. I feel like all my creativity has been drained out of me. I haven't actually tried in a long time though but I remember never being able to finish anything. I'm not good at coming up with clever endings or meaningful endings or just how to end anything, mainly because things that I've written have always been loosely based on my own experiences. I used to even write poetry, or try to, but it was mostly angry poetry.

Is it wrong to lead my life on a day-to-day basis? If I just continue doing this, slowly builing my own path with each passing moment and hope that eventually things will work out? Is that possible? Is simply having the ambition to continue enough? I love a lot of things about my life right now and I hope that it will be enough to bring me to the right places and to drive me in the right direction.

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