It's been quite a while since I've posted anything and to be honest it's because I've been kind of embarassed about certain things that have happened in the past few months but tonight I have that warm feeling again in the pit of my stomach and I feel like I just want to type some things out.
I can't prevent people from reading my blog and I think that's a major reason as to why I haven't posted anything. So just understand that I'm writing this because I want to, I don't care what happens once it's read, I just want to express how I'm feeling right now and the best way that I know how to express myself is through writing.
Words cannot explain how much my life has changed in the past few months. I've started going back to school, I work way less hours in order for me to place more concentration on my school and yet, still be able to make some money. I've also found myself to be madly, head over heels for someone here.I've known him for a long time, but I hadn't considered him as a match for me until recently.
I've always carried this fear with me, with whomever I've ever been with that I'm incapable of truely loving that person. I can say the words and it might mean something right there in that moment of it being said, but feelings change and people change and for reasons that I feel are uncontrolable, love drifts away. I have experienced in the past, love one moment and then the next nothing at all. Since I'm the type of person that can't just sit on those kinds of feelings without doing something, I usually end up just ending things. It is as if I know deep down inside myself that there is a reason I feel this way. That whatever it was that caused me to feel those feelings of love towards that person was real and it did happen but now it's over and there is also a reason for that. This fear of never actually having a person that I can truely love has been with me since my first boyfriend who within the first week of dating (this is in high school) told me that he loved me. Out of fear of breaking his heart I responded with "I love you too". At that moment, I had no idea what love was or what it should feel like but I said it anyways. I know that I am the type of person who just wants everybody to be happy. If me telling someone that I love them back will make them happy then I will do it, which is a horrible thing to do because I was being dishonest with myself. I've learned from this and only recently have I discovered the right way to fall in love.
This is what happens when I think too much, I start writing and all this gushy, lovey-dovey stuff comes spilling out of my finger-tips. Oh well, I'd rather this than anything else.