Thursday, August 14, 2008

End of an Era?

I haven't written in a while, I guess something must be wrong with me, haha.

This all hasn't clearly set itself in my mind yet. But I'm pretty sure what happened was that we got into an arguement about me being on my computer, which then somehow resulted in him saying that "he couldn't do this anymore". At this point, I was pissed because he was acting like a drama queen, so I didn't respond. That seems to be the way that I react to most things nowadays. I really just don't have the patience to deal with stupid things. He was the one who brought up the idea of not being together anymore and throwing away all that we had been through out the window, then he gets mad at me for not caring? What am I supposed to say to that? I'm sorry I'm the way that I am, and please don't leave me?

Let me start over.
I have just gotten back from THE best weekend in Toronto that I have ever had. The gathering was alright, but hanging out with new friends and taking home memories of all that had happened and then having to leave those friends and be away from them even though we were only together for a VERY short period of time, and come home and try to go back to everyday life if just really too hard. That was the longest sentence ever.
Basically, I've been down about going home and going separate ways. To be honest, I am the kind of person that just gets caught up in a feeling and tries to hold onto it for as long as possible. Which is a problem, I realize that, I'm trying to work on it.

So, in a nutshell, a very long and drawn out discussion between the two of us lead to me finally saying that I need to be away from him right now. That I want time to just be by myself and figure out what I want. Not only did I suggest this for me, I've known for some time now that I need time to be independent. I love him, so much, but I don't know anything outside me and him. I look at others and end up thinking, wow, I'm jealous. Which, I know, probably there are people that wish they had what I had. Well, I can't help but feel that way. I've been in the same pool for a long time. I've dated three other guys while I was in high school. It's been a long time since high school. I've had opportunities that have tempted me SO much, so much to the point I wish I hadn't just told them. That's not exactly the best feeling to be going over in your mind while staring at your boyfriend. "I could've cheated on you but I didn't, why aren't you happier with me?" Common sense prevented me from saying that out loud during our conversation.

So now, what's left of me is sitting at home, trying to figure out what to do, what to think, what to feel. I love this boy so much, it really hurts me to have asked for this, but at the same time, I need time for myself to just be free.

Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I cant change.

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